Meat for the win.....

I received a box of meat for my birthday. At first glance the enterprising humorists among you may possible be thinking, “OOOH, what’s his name?” However, the fatal flaw with this quip is two-folded; 1) I am not female and 2) the before mentioned gift was in fact a moderately sized box of various animal based edibles.

While I am surely appreciative of the spirit and intent behind the gifted reindeer, buffalo and venison sausages, teriyaki sticks, assorted jerky and bottles of mustard (apparently on long trips through the mail meat must be chaperoned by large squeezable bottles of spiced yellow mustard....WTF) i’m curious as to the actual thought process that takes place as one selects meat as a gift.

I was so confused when I opened the moderately sized cardboard box of meat that I peered nervously over my lap at my shoes half expecting to find large shiny buckles. “Whew!” Relieved to see my favorite Snoopy slippers I looked up and into Girlfriend’s beautiful and questioning eyes and asked, “Honey, do I look like a pilgrim?” She giggled and shook her head negative. Sloshing her milk and cookies.

So after opening the first moderately sized box of meat and learning that my Dearones apparently feel that a box of meat best expresses they’re feelings on the day that memorializes my entrance into life; I turned my attentions to the second package. And again, I was rewarded with a moderately sized box of meat. Girlfriend’s mascara is now smeared with tears from a fit of uncontrollable giggles. Not wanting to ruin the festive mood I venture, “Well, um.....guess we’ll be well stocked for the annual winter meat shortage.” Girlfriend desperately tried to save her milk as she fell out of her chair and began gasping for breath between fits of laughter.

Now, the interesting thing about receiving two moderately sized boxes of meat for your birthday isn’t really the meat. The real delight are the heart felt birthday cards that accompanies each coffer-o-flesh. Apparently a (complimentary?) custom mass produced generic card is included with each tasty box of meat. All the sender need do is convey the appropriate message and the lucky coffer-o-flesh recipient will find his/her birthday card tucked snugly between smoky reindeer logs and zesty buffalo sticks. Mmmm....yum.

Of course if you are lucky enough to be gifted two moderately sized boxes of meat then you also have the good fortune of receiving two (complimentary?) custom mass produced generic cards. The only problem with that is if the first card isn’t suffering from (you guessed it) severe spelling errors then the second card is sure to be full of them. Amplifying how truly impersonal the experience of receiving meat can be (glory-holes and prostitution notwithstanding).

So, on this, my twenty-ninth birthday, I would like to thank Dearones for making Girlfriend fall out of her chair and blow milk from both of her lovely nostrils. (Snotty milk and cookies are always fun.) And for showing me that after all these years you still care enough to have a complete stranger misspell my name (and yours) and send me two moderately sized boxes of meat.